shut up & try

i’ve always been terrified that i would never be [a bunch of adjectives] enough. it was just a recurring and insistent fear. it was so strong that i was the mute of the little cousins, lol. i was super quiet & usually the one getting hurt when we all played, but i swear that wasn’t my fault, lol. i just wanted to be as chill and carefree as everyone else appeared to be, but i always ended up making everyone have to go inside early bc i fell, got stuck, seriously scratched or broke something. idk if that’s a result of me trying so hard or if i’m actually just that clumsy. nevertheless, i was nadia enough. i was too afraid of what everyone would think if i didnt do something, said no too harshly, played too hard, was too slow or fast, or just too this and not enough that. 

i have always received pretty positive remarks about my outside parts and more recently about my inside. but it’s still really hard for me to take a compliment, believe anyone is serious when they think all these great things about me, etc. but one adjective that i’ve heard all my life is “fearless.” i dont believe i’m fearless, i can explicitly name my fear, lol. idk when it shifted, but it did. i went from having panic attacks before i ever tried something new to being terrified of what will happen to my growth if i don’t try. 

i’m typically questioned, “how do you model, engineer, mentor &/or create?” my answer is always the same! “i just try shit out.” that’s really all i do. whether it’s asking someone out romantically, doing a lingerie shoot, or even creating a blog, i’m just trying something that’s always been in my head. i’m afraid to not go for it. i’m not afraid to fail, i’m probably expecting failure too much, but we’ll save that for a different post. 

i grew up a professional multitasker. i’m an honest product of my father, the football coaching, architecting and preaching barber, and my mother, the teaching, counseling, singing, creating, decorating, wedding planning photographer. lol, they do so much more but i just wanted to give you a snippet. i knew there were plenty of things that i was good at, but i’d have to pick one and then do everything else on the side. so obviously, i picked the one that was more or less guaranteed money. i’ve moved around a bit, meaning adaptability is a skill i’m forever working on. wearing numerous hats and adapting to each setting im placed in doesn’t leave room for fear. not the fear of attempting anyways. of course i still get mega nervous, but if i didn’t/don’t go for the big thing then i’ll never grow. i’ll never know for myself if i’m capable of playing without seriously injuring myself, lol (even if i do, i’m on my parents insurance for a little bit longer so everything will be fine). 

just remember that you ARE enough. more than enough, to be honest. we just have to keep trying and trying some more until we figure it out. it may take a while but that’s fine, think of it as an adventure because it is! never know when you find the perfect combo to create your happy ending, but whenever you do, i’m sure you’ll want to learn a new combo. that’s how it is for me, anyways lol.

*smooches*

rollercoaster

you know how the world feels like it’s crashing and burning for like WEEKS?…then the dust finally settles aka you cry it all out and release all the emotions you were keeping tucked away because you thought you could handle them by your lonesome when in reality you need a village of people to help you understand everything your own brain is trying to tell you. after that, you everything through a sepia toned lens. everything is just chill, you can accept life for what it is without trying to control…or at least trying to not control it as much, lol. my lens became a beautiful blue this past few days and YALL, it’s gorgeous! idk what i did…well i kinda do know. i just started saying “why not” a whole lot more and trying shit that i never thought i’d be good at and it’s been received in a way that surprised tf outta me! i’m being much more genuine and doing things that i want to do on my terms, with my own voice, and breathing in the confidence that people have always told me that i had. coming out a depressed episode is usually never easy and that’s been the same for this go round, but the more i acknowledged what i was actually feeling, rather than running from it, the more i healed from it. also, my fear of it returning definitely fueled some of my “why not” spirit! my thought process was this: try anyway, you said no to a lot while you were depressed, but that’s over so you have to try. i probably have a few run on sentences and i’m not going to edit them because i had coffee today and my mind is literally going a mile a minute, lol.

last week, i had maybe 4 different opportunities to take my brand to a new level through personal growth conversations with my mom, collaborating with others (the unstoppable mvmnt!) and just working working. i feel powerful and full. even when sitting in the corporate office, talking to people is much easier because i know i’m not stuck here. yes, i know i have many more things to do, but i know in my heart of hearts that this isn’t anywhere close to my end story.

…so super duper transparent moment. something happened at work that really shook me up because y’all know me & this environment don’t really vibe. i really let it take over the rest of my day…i became irritable, pissed & sad. all because idk what’s about to happen, which is normal, but it felt so mfn ominous. like whaaaaaat tf do they want from me. i kept it together during the work day, but that wasn’t too too hard because i had a bunch of stuff come up…but soon as i got home i started to feel worse. i did some artsy thing, nailed it & still felt bad. i made myself watch something tear worthy after venting to my best friend because i could feel the tears, but they wouldn’t drop. i think it worked for the most part. the negative feeling was/is still here, but i’m accepting & letting go. after all, i’m on in control of my reaction…so my reaction was full on rage, lol. but you see, that “lol” is so important because i was able get it all out. am i still pissed? HELL + YES. but i have next steps & other things to focus on. i needed to cry, curse, & scream to really let it go (i wish i had kickboxing today), but i finally let go. like i said way before the bs ensued, this ain’t the end of my road.

the week after

i feel free. i never knew that i didn’t feel free until i did. i took a break from contemplating everyone’s wants, reactions and needs before my own, calculating how much nadia i can share with a certain group instead of just letting myself flow naturally. granted, i’m a calculating person, naturally, lol. i can’t help it, i’m a neurotic virgo child. i can just be. in this current moment, i know that whatever i have to offer is enough. i’m enough because i’m living in my full self, on display. vulnerable, scared, but sooooo worth it.

living and exclaiming my truth for the world to see has taken my confidence to a new height! everything feels, looks, smells and even sounds different! i would say taste, but i’d be upset if my taste buds changed lol, especially when i’m finally figuring out my favorite restaurants in detroit. i never felt like i was actually hiding who i was, but i, also, never really felt like i was being my complete self. while being bi is not my total identity, it is a part of it. it was pretty hilarious for a lot of good friends to reach out to me saying they’re proud and they suspected it all along, lol. i’m like well duhhhhhh. if you’ve ever listened and/or watched me, i feel like it’s pretty easy to come to that conclusion.

i feel like thank you isn’t big enough!! the response i received was just WAY bigger than i could’ve ever imagined. the love, understanding and comradery truly made me melt into a puddle of happy tears. all the negative and anxious thoughts were quieted, i could just be me for a while. and how often do we really get to do that? for a little anxious being like myself, it’s not very often. of course, i make time for myself to be myself by myself, but lately it wasn’t enough. putting out my truth on display was enough. i never thought this many people would read it, comment on it, support it nor relate to it! i just wanted to be honest. it hurt me back then, but so much growth has happened since and noting that was very very important to me. i got that tingly feeling while writing it…that’s how i knew it was the right thing to do. so many people just sent so much love my way and it went way beyond the diary post.

i am extremely proud of everyone that chose kindness in a world where you definitely don’t have to, ya know? i can’t truly put my gratitude into words. i have so much love for everyone that took the time to read my story, comment, share, and simply show me love. i’m starting to tear up as i right this because i just never knew it would be like this. i just wanted to be my full self. share my full self. get out of my own head and it generated something so much larger than myself. mega kudos to everyone man…i can’t say it enough!

…maybe i am a little bit more brave and fearless than i ever knew. i dislike boasting about, but now that the dust has settled…i can see it. i didn’t have to share, but in a way i did. i want us to keep progressing and the only way i know how to do that is to show my wounds and scars. not for kudos, but as a symbol that it’ll always get better. you & i have made it this far in life…i just know that there’s SO much more to do. i’ve always believed that transparency, communication and vulnerability are the strongest tools to mitigate conflict and misunderstanding. because of this, i have no problem opening up. i just gotta work on carrying my personal conflicts (i.e. anxiety, depression, negative self image) and allowing them to change my outlook on life and people.

i truly pray that my story has helped someone.

*smooches*

hella proud

so like a year ago, i came out. to my mom. by accident. but, also, kinda on purpose, lol.

last year was extremely transforming! here’s the story tho:

i finally got up the courage to attend last year’s pride weekend in detroit, but the weather was complete trash so the attendance was pretty low, but i still had a good time just walking around. i talked to people, laughed with people, took pictures, purchased buttons & posted some stuff on my instagram story…and that’s where it started. i was fully aware that posting a picture of myself with lgbtq+ buttons on my shirt in the middle of a festival could raise some questions, but i didn’t think the questions would come from my sister nor mother. i do a pretty good job of keeping my family away from my personal business, including my social media business just because i don’t feel like always giving an explanation. + i’m grown, like actually grown, lol. anywhooooo, first i get a call from my sister and it’s all chill until she asked the question she’d been wanting to ask all along, “is your sexuality fixed or fluid?” first off, what an interesting way to ask that question, lol. second, i could’ve lied, omitted, redirected the conversation, but nope. i decided to tell the truth, it just slipped right on out like i was exhaling. her response wasn’t anything too crazy, which really surprised me in the best way. it was like, “oh shit, i might just be able to be myself around my family.” lol, that gave me a good & deep laugh just now, lmao. i think a few days, if not a week later, my mom calls and asks the same thing. now my mom is a different level of righteous & holy, so i knew full and well how she would react, but i just kept thinking…why continue to lie? i like both women & men, if you can’t handle that (which has absolutely nothing to do with you) then that is on you. that is in no way to say that what she did say didn’t hurt me. i just remember how i felt & saying, “i love you, but i do not want to discuss this, goodbye.”

it took me a few good months of therapy to begin speaking to her again and it was largely due to family stuff. she told my dad, whenever my mother & i don’t see eye to eye she tells my dad because we’re so close so he can get me to see her perspective…but nah. she outed me to my dad, which further pissed me off and confirmed that she was committed to crossing boundaries. i was being rude and childish while i “protected my peace” by ignoring calls and seldom sending texts. i just couldn’t believe it, ya know?

what happened next? my sister got into the mix, as always. saying i was disrespecting my mother and showing her my ass to kiss and whatever else she said. she was losing it or something for thinking i’d respond to that, lol. i don’t do confrontation via text nor call and barely in person. talk to me with sense and a desire for understanding or don’t talk at all. so i added her to the blocklist too, why not? especially because work was giving me grief, all this started right after i broke up with my ex, and i’m sure some other stuff was going on , too. therapy was all i had. i didn’t have a friend, that i knew of, in the same situation…just me, per usual. so i did it the only way i knew how, with help and guidance through therapy. i’m now realizing that months hadn’t gone by, lol. it just felt like it because it was SO rough.

july started, i decided to chill at home and be zenned out, but then got bored & decided to go to nyc. my bff, jess, met me there at my favorite cousin’s house in long island and i let them know everything! i couldn’t hold it anymore and it felt good to share because they gave me so much love. jess & i went into the city for the day where i got another lengthy message from my sister making sure i knew how ain’t shit i was, which was followed by a call from my cousin that i just saw. i think it’s nothing, but she dropped a bomb on me. my aunt cynthia (cent) passed away. (1. i didn’t know she was in the hospital, 2. why tf was i just getting this news!) i couldn’t cry yet, even though i tried really hard. jess & i went out in the city and visited friends from college and hung with new friends too. somewhere in time before we hit the last bar she received a call from her mom, i think, delivering similar bad news. we stopped in the middle of our walk through the city and let it out. i’ve never been more grateful for her than that moment. we hugged and cried and screamed, then found a magical whiskey bar that served bowls of bacon. we had a blast at the bar & i really hope i find it again, lol. it was the kind of day that gave me strength enough to go on and handle every curve ball life has to throw because i knew going to the funeral that i’d have to face my mother and sister.

throughout the funeral, my mind bounced between “i can’t believe my aunt is gone” and “i really hope my mom doesn’t try to bring up my sexuality right now.” but of course, she did, once everything was over anyways. that was going to be the last time i was planning to see her in my travels so it was probably best to have this conversation face to face. we talked it out. she told me she didn’t understand and i told her that i didn’t expect her to; however, i’m grown and don’t expect you to weigh in on my sex life anyways because that was never our relationship and is likely to never be. she doesn’t remember what she initially said that hurt me so much so i told her and she apologized, she might have mentioned that she doesn’t approve, but what else is new chile. i gave up living for others’ approvals a long time ago. our relationship has gotten stronger through my blogging and choosing to speak up more about what i’m going through in life. i love her.

my story is mine and i’m proud of it. i’m proud of who i am. i’m proud to be my bisexual self out loud and just live. i pray that anyone going through this phase has it much easier, but if not, please know you have a world of support & i’m just an email away!

*peace*

truth teller

“I convince myself every day, every day
that I'm right where I'm supposed to be.

I'm not sure how comfortable I am with such open flaws.
I've become pretty good
at covering up what isn't beautiful about myself. ”

- instructions on being by tank & the bangas

i love this song for many reasons, number one being that it’s much more honest than i care to to be at times.

i don’t mean to sound like i fill my heart with lies, but being overly honest about my faults, shortcomings and the infinite amount of room for improvement is not something i can handle at every moment of the day. with all that being said, i’m going to take this time to share some ugly truths…they aren’t really ugly, lol, they aren’t just my usual talking points.

i’m not fearless, though i’ve been called that numerous times. i’m jealous even though i know that what is for me will always be for me. i’m lost quite often, can’t figure everything or everyone out & it drives me mad. i’m shy regardless of what yall think, lol. it takes A LOT for me to talk in front of people that i’m not comfortable around and just don’t know, period. i’m a control freak, i do much better in this realm, but when my “plan” doesn’t pan out i carry that as a defeat for far too long. i internalize damn near everything & have been since i can remember. it’s caused most of my physical & mental health problems. i hate myself for knowing these faults of mine and still slipping into the imperfection every single day. i know i’ll never be perfect, but if i’m working on these flaws, constantly, then why do i still slip? being human isn’t a good enough excuse for me.

i can pin point specific examples for each, yet i don’t want to. i don’t want to delve into the details because i don’t want to bring up anymore bad thoughts. i’m working on acknowledging when these slip ups and not internalizing them. ya know, just saying whoops + apologize + actually move on. not much in my has been forgotten, whether good, bad, or indifferent. all the memories come back in flash floods and torrential downpours, mostly when i’m having a depressed episode. (which was almost all of may) i get into this negative cycle & it takes a lot for me to get out, but releasing it in my notes, in this diary, to my friends & as tears are the biggest & most helpful ways to break it.

i’m not perfect. i have very real human flaws, but i’m supposed to better than that…at least, i think so. like jealousy is sooooo childish & i despise that it gets to me even after i put up a great fight. i will win the battle tho, i know it.

now yall have a pretty close look at my flaws, i’m still working on me, obviously. something about writing it all out just makes it much more real for me…harder digest because i dislike it so much, but easier to see where i still need to grow & change.

*smooches*

i’m chilling, i‘m chill.

take care of your mind & everything else will follow. that’s what i’m doing this week & those are the only words i wish to share right now. 

eventually i'll know..

today my mind & heart is very very heavy. i was confronted by the recurring thought of wtf am i doing in my career. my new mentor encouraged us to take the meyer’s briggs and strengthsfinder tests to learn more about ourselves and for me specifically to use that as a guide to figure out the best careers that align with who i naturally am.

i’ll never forget what this girl said to me about a year after i started being a full time engineer in the automotive industry. she said, “everybody isn’t cut out to be an engineer.” & i proceeded to curse her out in my head, but in real life asked what she meant by that. she said nothing, only shrugged her shoulders. i took it terribly hard because ma’am, you don’t know me from adam, who are you to say this to me while being a black woman in the field where there are only a handful of us in the entire building? i already have to beat down barriers with the millions of white men in the rooms i find myself in, but to hear it from a fellow black woman engineer truly pissed me off especially since she didn’t care to clear it up.

currently, i’m running the thought over in my head a few more times because taking the quizzes is making me realize that she was right. my personality and natural talents don’t really align with engineering. engineering was actually on the short list of careers to avoid for my personality type. i crave working socially, being creative, helping the community, expressing my true self…all of these things i have not been able to receive by working in my current industry. i’ve found SO many outlets to suffice the want, but i don’t think it’s enough…but i can’t help feeling like i wasted my time in school and in this industry attempting to make myself fit and make the job into what it isn’t.

i have no clue what i want to do. well, that’s not true. i have some clues to what bring me complete joy and what doesn’t. i just need to do much more digging because i’m close to losing it in this office.

another major conflict i have is that in this company, the task (typically never a really urgent task) is much more cared for than the person. i am a person before i’m an engineer just like they are people before they’re coworkers or managers or whomever. why must i be berated for being myself? for doing the work in my way? if there’s no training for the job position…how can we properly compare the work, let alone the worker.

my mom and great friends reminded me that it’s all in God’s hands and that stressing about it won’t make it pop up any faster…but i wish it would. i don’t want to be miserable for 8+ hours every week day, but i don’t see any other way to be until i figure it out. this sucks, but it is what it is. it’ll reveal itself eventually.

behind the scenes

the biggest rewards always require the longest waiting time. seed time. developing time. the fruit takes the longest in the process. don’t stop. trust the process. even if it’s frustrating. especially when it’s frustrating, actually, that’s when the most growth is taking place.

i wrote that down as i was listening to a sermon and let me tell you, i was shouting by the end of it. God has a truly magical way of working. it’s something that i know that i’ll never understand, but i’m very likely to keep trying, lol. i’m a strong believer in “everything happens for a reason.” but over the years i’ve dialed back the calculating of my own future because i’m never going to be in total control so why waste my energy and stress myself out? no thanks. i ride through life with the faith that God has me in His hands and some things are not for me to understand…until later. what has helped me arrive at this conclusion is taking the pressure off, which i still struggle with but this fact has changed my life: there’s no limit to the reason. we, as homo-sapiens, has this dyer need to figure things out, make things make sense, and get the right answer when there is no right answer…it simply just is what it is. because i know i crave reasoning and detail it, strangely, made it easier to say “this is not for me to understand.” i trust that if it were for me to understand then i would! everything relates back to math for me. often, the reason i excelled in math was because i was able to simply accept some rules as fact, especially in differential equations (basically like calculus 3, which i LOVED) or in mechanical design. if the answer was ‘xyz’ and we were looking for ‘nyl’, then we know something went wrong, so we go back and look at our conditions or rules. if the rules were followed, then we have to use the next steps associated with ‘xyz’ and not ‘nyl’…that slightly confused me, lol, and i know what i meant to say. try absolute value. the absolute value of something can never ever be negative. like, ever. and that makes sense because at the end of the day it’s the magnitude of the value. whether it’s -2 or +2, the absolute value or magnitude of the number is 2. makes sense, right? well in higher math classes there are a plethora of rules that some old man or woman did a million years worth of research to figure out just so we could have it easier and not go down a rabbit hole going through the process.

let me try a real life example; you’re running late for a meeting and as you’re leaving home you realize you forgot your phone on the bathroom sink, which makes you even more late. you grab it, get back in the car to realize that you forgot your glasses (or wallet for my 20/20 vision folks). now you’re an extra 5 minutes late to an important meeting that you were already late for. how you gonna act? me, i’m pissed at myself and stressing myself out trying to make up the extra time. then within all of that rushing and fussing i see 3 accidents on the road and immediately think…that could’ve been me if i were on time. or i get to the meeting and everyone understands or they’re late too! what i’m driving at is that some things are out of our control and the things that are in our control won’t always go perfectly, but believing that it’s all for a purpose like personal growth or just to avoid an accident or a simple, annoying reminder that you’re human.

it’s hard, annoying and truly frustrating, but little mustard seed faith will get you through. everything is happening as it should for your overall life plan…even if it’s not exactly the plan you set for yourself. it’s weird growing up and being told you’re only in control of yourself to only realize that your bubble is much smaller. i used to think any move i personally made was me being in control, but there are so many more factors behind the scenes that i don’t get to see. i can give my everything and still not get the gold. it doesn’t mean i’m not worthy or i’m being punished, but there’s probably a lesson i need to learn before i get the shiny thing. but hey, there’s plenty of other things i’m champ at and i only got to this level but continually trusting and living so i just gotta keep living and trusting. it’s hard, but i’m capable and so are you. we got this. but i’m probably going to sulk and be frustrated about it for another hour & then i’ll look at all the good/great in life. gotta “feel it through,” as much i hate doing that, smh.

*smooches*

what's your favorite game?

ok so boom. life happens. a lot, lol. but if your perspective is relatively positive, you’re payed up, and you’re adaptable then every little thing will be alright. this is my biggest lesson of my 20s, thus far anyways. (sometimes i act/sound like i’m much older than i am, but i’m only 24 lol)

i put myself through tons & tons & TONS of stress by holding on too tightly of what i think is supposed to happen, who i’m supposed to be, what i’m supposed to do, how i’m supposed to live, essentially. when in reality, the only thing i’m supposed to be is myself and do what makes me the happiest and proudest. i think we all have an unhealthy obsession with the whole idea of “supposed to.” think about it…did you eat what you wanted or did you eat what you’re supposed to?? ok, that was probably a bad comparison because we all need a healthy diet so we can be above ground as long as we want. how about this: your job? did you take the offer because you wanted it or because you’re supposed to work? do you date because you’re supposed to be married by 30 or because you want to? (no offense, but my grands have damn near beat this rhetoric into my dna) these two are the most pressing questions that keep me up at night just circling in my head. the only way i am able to get any rest is by knowing and trusting that where i am right now is not where i will always be and that life is very much a process, so there are things i need to learn before i move to the next level. with the latter thought, i kinda treat life like a video game. you have to complete certain tasks before you level up and just because you did xyz and got a medal in the past doesn’t mean that’ll it’ll happen again because new moves are required on new levels.

tbh, that’s all i have to give this week. i’m going to read & reread this one a few times because i’ve been stressing, managing it, but still stressing! i’m juggling blessings and trying to figure out the moves i need to level up or just stay right mfn here, lol. i hope this helped!

*smooches*

choppa style 2.0

my hair cut lifted me. with every snip i almost cried, but didn’t because i’m a thug, obviously…but also because all the guys in the shop were staring at me like i was crazy already so i didn’t want to give them another reason to act out. trust & believe as soon as i got in my car that i balled my eyes out because i felt so free. i can see myself. my full self. nothing is in the way. not a curl that won’t fall quite right nor any straight hair holding me back from having a good time because if i sweat at all, it’s over. no cares, no worries. just me.

the first time i cut my hair off, i was nervous + i did it just because, lol. it was just something i wanted to try, but i never thought i’d end up loving it! i guess i only let it grow because of outside pressures and the newness of it shook me up a bit, not to mention the whole little boy look, lol. ya know society and its weird, obsessive control over black women and what they should or shouldn’t do. so i just gave in, plus it grew so quickly i felt like i had no choice, lol. but with it growing back, i was so conscious of the way it looked. more than i’ve ever been, tbh. all the color experiments, protective styles (that’s the only thing i miss, yall know i love some faux locs), wigs & hats/scarves were just covering my dislike. with every inch it grew i felt like i was dying. confidence dwindling. begging for another inch because that’s supposed to make me feel prettier, right? all the work i put into my hair and it was never perfect enough for me. never. i just felt like i was hiding behind it. begging for someone to say they liked my hair only for me to talk down their compliment. i still don’t understand it much like i don’t understand some people’s dying wish for me to grow it back. idk. i just want to be me. just me & all that entails. these random freckle/mole things that are popping up, the popped chicken pock by my nose, fluffy brows, the almost dimpled cheeks, dark eyes full of expression, even my forehead with the super weird hairline from too tight braids & ponytails, all of it. i’m embracing me…idk if it’s the first time ever, but it’s definitely the first time i’ve spoken about it.

i’ve never been the over confident girl, but i was always told that is how i come off. i guess that means i’m a pretty good actress, but, honestly, i actually feel it now, lol. i’m still not the best with accepting compliments, BUT i’m much better with giving them to myself. i’m much more comfortable with myself. i can’t really put it into clear words, but y’all! i feel free! and tbh, since the cut my life has taken some rather crazy shifts that made me grow at a ridiculous pace. mostly in the honesty area. i ‘m not out here lying to everyone, but i definitely do hide a ton of thoughts. not because i don’t trust my people…i just don’t like confrontation or negativity so i have to meditate on an issue before i express it just to make sure i express it properly. but back to this hair stuff. i’m oozing confidence, lol. i’m believing in & trusting myself more than ever. i’m speaking up more, even at work! & tbh, that’s huge for me. i’ve even told some about my modeling & other creative ventures…i’m pretty positive i cut off all my inhibitions along with my hair & i couldn’t be happier.

before you ask if i’ll grow it back…probably, but idk when and i’m not about to waste great energy thinking about it.

*smooches*

friendship lite

i can’t do part time friendships or friendship lite*. it might not be that i can’t do it, but i have no interest. at. all. my relationships with people are quite deep & as you can tell i run my mouth quite a bit and i do not have time to babysit feelings, not even my own. i need my friends to understand and know me fully. granted i realize that that’s an ongoing task that’ll likely never be perfected but i need the effort because that’s what i bring to the table. yes, i know everybody can’t do this or may not even want to & that’s perfectly alright, lol. for those that don’t wanna do it, by all means don’t, but also don’t expect me to try to get close to you. i make this pretty clear with all of my relationships. platonic or romantic, i have to keep it honest because i don’t want anything negative to be attached to me. just because it’s probably inevitable does'n’t mean i can’t still try.

i believe a lot of people overstep or misread relationships, including platonic & romantic. it all goes back to the big picture of how that person was raised and methods of communication...which is why i talk so much, lol. we all get lost in this alternate reality in our heads that could be right next to the truth, but because we haven’t done the necessary research, it’s still just something our heads conjured up. thinking, planning, plotting, and then being disappointed when someone doesn’t do what you thought they were going to do. i spent way too many years allowing others to tell their version of my story and making up impossible ones, but that ain’t happening anymore. no thanks. that’s why i tend to over-communicate...even if it’s just in my head. my goal is to be on the same page, not the same thought or sentence. i want to understand and be understood, dasit. ask all the questions. feel all the vibes. ask more questions or even the same questions. humans are ever-changing and growing so we gotta keep up…and allow people to change, but that’s a different conversation.

i’m not even going to lie, asking the necessary questions can be really difficult and trusting that someone is being open and honest can be just as difficult, if not more. but in my life, i’ve definitely won so much more by going out on a limb and having the hard conversations. i’m going to learn something regardless, it could be that this person needs to be cutoff or that i need to be a better person, knowledge all the same. PLUS, once you get the answers your head can stop spinning with the “what ifs” and if that ain’t motivation enough then idk what is!

* smooches *

brighten up

i truly feel like my friends, even distant friends, are all interconnected & hyper psychic! i’ll be minding my business scrolling on ig or twitter and boom! a very private thought i shared with no one is posted by a friend and i immediately check to see who was stalking my brain because it happens way more than i like, lol. i’m well aware of the cookies & google listening to my conversations, but i think my friends are in my head, too. they have to be, that’s the only thing that makes sense! or it’s just God’s timing, but the thought of my friends putting a thought tracking device in my head like a horror movie is pretty hilarious, lol. this thought that my friends stole from my brain is, “why do people rally around or celebrate you more when you’re down rather than when you’re up?”

i found myself thinking of this more more often than i care to admit because it’s true, but hopefully with good intention. it’s pretty much involuntary to give love to those that need it aka those are down in the dumps, but why does someone need to be sad in order to be built up? is there something in our brains that tells us to fix the sad? whenever i see sadness i always ask if the person wants to be hyped up or if they want to vent, it’s definitely helped me whenever i feel down. this way i’m not rushing to a solution that may not even be necessary. plus most often, if a person is outwardly showing that they are sad it’s because they can no longer hold in the hurt so the natural reaction is to give them verbal flowers to feel better. so for those that handle all of their sadness within themselves, they just never get celebrated because no one can actually see their hurt, which sucks! that’s why i continually hype people!

i love to build people up! it’s my fav hobby, lol. i would love to get others to do it more often too because everybody needs it, tbh. but truly because unless someone reaches that breaking point you never know what someone is going through. plus, it only takes a few milliseconds out of your day to put a smile one’s face, which also makes you smile. now i’m not saying this to ask for compliments, but to encourage you to constantly build each other up even when things are good, that only means they can get better.

oh, by the way, you’re popping asl and i can’t wait to see what magic you choose to share with the world.

bigger than triggers

triggers aren’t always clear cut nor easy to get rid of…tbh they’re little demons of gloom running around waiting for you to walk into them without saying excuse me.

once a situation or conflict has ended, moving on usually isn’t that big of a deal for me…but this time it’s soooooo hard. i randomly find myself replaying the conflict in my head to assess it from different angles and perspectives. the most frustrating part of it all is that i still get to the same conclusion, which is that “i. be. knowing.” periodt! but no, seriously, i handle conflict rather well (on the outside). i gather the necessary info, i actively listen, i wait to speak and try my best not to interrupt or raise my voice. but i also make sure to let the person know that i’m trying to patronize them by using these tools that i’ve learned. on the inside tho, i replay every single thing from the actual words to the silent words or body language because that’s just how my brain works. i don’t like to argue so whenever i am i always want to quickly understand the real issue and work through it.

anywho, it was an extra stupid annoying to involuntarily rehash all these feelings and arguments in my head that i thought had died. i mean my entire mood shifted. i’m looking at everybody super sideways & being mute because in my head they remember the conflict too and they’re just being fake nice so i’m like f*ck these n*ggahs!…& the entire time everyone is just enjoying life while i sulk and pout. it was like the entire situation was replaying in my head on a big screen. i was trying to tell myself to get out of it, but you know once you have an idea everything else that happens after that idea only builds up to further back the idea…even if the idea is completely wrong! it was impossible to shake these thoughts until hours after i was removed from it. the hurt kept spiraling in my head and as irritating as it was i just couldn’t stop it. my sleep was effected, my diet instantly became trash, negative self talk (spottie) was having a field day & my laziness skyrocketed. i kept talking myself in circles and trying to use my friends intelligently so i wouldn’t be so annoying, but i couldn’t listen. i was in a scary place that i hadn’t seen in a very long time. the simple spiral became a tornado because it tore through any positive thoughts that i tried to have. i have a good number of positive things going on right now, ya girl is booked, but spottie was like, “nope, nope. it’s all bs, you’re not worthy, you’re going to mess it up.” ya know the rhetoric.

before i let myself get worse i went to my tools! (s/o to my therapist) first i took a mega long shower. the kind where you exfoliate, scrub again, wash your hair, meditate & shave. i’m relaxed just thinking about it. (insert yoga emoji) then i tackled my hair while playing my spa playlist. after that i started writing and editing pictures which exercised my logical and creative brain muscles. after doing all this i had the best revelation of why the conflict was still bothering me and that is that creating new boundaries for friends that have hurt me is something that i still struggle with, majorly. + i definitely didn’t handle the hurt/damage all the way through when the conflict first happened. so from all this i learned that i need to completely handle and work through any argument for there not to be residual effects later on and that i need to work on building boundaries for people in my life. i’m a work in process, but realizing this and not allowing spottie or negative thoughts overtake me is a true testament to my personal growth and i’m so proud of me! : )

* smooches *

faith can be complicated

i’m honestly having a crazy little battle in my head between these two ideas:

1. “it’s not even that bad, stop stressing. doubting yourself & God will only bring turmoil”

2. ”feel it through, it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling because you’re trying things you’ve never imagined.”

these thoughts aren’t necessarily directly opposed, but they definitely aren’t close friends. i’m in this state of fear that always comes when i’m attempting to do something new & usually BIG. i get stuck in stupid doubt when too many things are changing because i’m just like…”why are things changing??” i’m good right here, doing this & that. but then i want to try something a little extra and then a bunch of other factors in my life are like, “well shit, we might as well switch it up too!” you can imagine my enthusiasm or lack of. so, of course, i’m throwing my tantrum because i’m trying to level up, but still wanting my life to stay the same & apparently it doesn’t work that way. smh.

i’m “keeping the faith,” as my granny would say, but lawdhamercy, i’m lost in thought and potential endings to the story. i have like 25 (great number) different outcomes in my head going on and majority of them are quite positive, but them “other” ones are still daunting. i sometimes, well always tbh, feel like if i’m not standing firm on the Word than i’m not being a good Christian and need to find some way to figure out how be a better one….but then i’m likeeee i can always do much better with my faith, but i don’t think my faith being shaken is a good call to go praise. it feels more like a cover up like a child does when they got caught drawing on the wall or something. probably not the best analogy, but you get the point.

i truly believe God knows me inside & out, which means he knows how my brain works & that i’ll be constantly creating different endings to each story i become a part of..but then i start to question it, like bruh, couldn’t you make me with less anxiety, less worry & definitely less depression? i would love to be a “fuck it, it’ll be ok” type of person. i mean LOVE. i get so exhausted with worry that i can’t even describe the crazy scenario that i’ve dreamed up just because i know it sounds outlandishly horrible, but that doesn’t make it any less possible! whenever i get to this point i HAVE to remind myself of the tools i gained &/or refined in therapy because i can’t just forget all that work. that’s how this post started…i was spiraling out of control & then i remembered that i haven’t written in a week and a half so here i am, getting it all out. i hope some of this resonated with you because writing this all out truly made my head much clearer & i know i’m capable of handling whatever battles come my way. after all, God is in control & wouldn’t give me anything He ain’t think i could handle. (had to end with an old black christian proverb)

still learning

fellowship is vital to uplifting spirits. there’s a difference between complaining to everyone & notifying your people that you’re going through something.

i relearned a few things today. i’ll share them with y’all because today has been a big turn around for me as far as moods go. i was feeling all sad & defeated because i haven’t yet received a few things that i want in life.

1. a prison/negative perspective will always cause you to doubt your destiny (s/o to elevation church)

2. life will always be just that, life…which is hella unpredictable AF

3. you always have the tools you need, but you may not know how to use them

4. actually admitting (out loud) that you have no friggin clue is a big part of the journey because it invites help

5. i’ve survived every bad day i’ve ever had (s/o to Blk Girl Daily)

these things literally changed my perspective & helped me to believe in myself when i thought i wasn’t worthy of the things that i want. i thought once i graduated from therapy that it meant that i could handle whatever would be thrown at me as easy as breathing…i was hella wrong, lol. this week i remembered why i sought out help in the first place & that my popping therapist gave me the tools to conquer my anxiety & depression. it just extra sucks when the first tool doesn’t work, then the second tool ain’t working & then i just feel all defeated and fall back into the spiral of negative thoughts. but you knowspottie (the name i gave my negative thoughts), is getting kicked by suni AND marigold because i’m the sugar honey ice tea with a splash of raspberry. i needed the reminder, but i also needed to humble myself & remember that i don’t have to carry this burden all alone. i have people in my corner, i have me in my corner & i have God, i can’t lose…& if i do, then that’s just another lesson i needed to learn.

intro to racism

it’s pretty well know that i am black. at least, i hope it is, lol. but if you ask my pop pop, paternal grandfather, then i am black, haleiwa* saponi, irish & scottish. he always had the longest list so i just copied it for years, but i recently did the dna test thing & it said that i’m blackity black hailing from different countries along the west coast of africa, a few sprinkles from europe & a slight splash of native american. all of these different bloodlines & paths came together to make lil ‘ol me & i looooooove it. i think it’s super cool, but there’s a large portion of the world that dislikes me just by looking at me. it’s pretty stupid, but i mean, stupidity has been running wild for much longer than humans have been able to document. but since we have the ability to change and learn, i’ll share this little gem from the book of nadia.

sooooo back in like ‘04 or something prehistoric like that, i was living in the countriest country of north carolina with my mom. this was the “it takes a village” part of my life because in st. pauls, it’s literally just us! granted, i’m a lynch and not a ray, mckinnon nor williams, i still have their blood all up and through me so duh, it still counts. anyways, unlike the rest of my close cousins who went to the public school in town, i went to a private school a couple towns over. it was nice, i’m not gon lie…but it was unnecessary as far as education goes, as far as life lessons, i learned plenty! (all in elementary school, btw) unlike most public schools or most schools in general, i think, there was only one class per grade. but it was a full school, starting at pre-k all the way to 12th grade and the class size was about like 10 per class. we were pretty close to say the least. (random fact: my educational years align with the calendar years. i.e. in ‘04 i was in fourth grade) oh, in this big yet small institution for education, i was the only black person in elementary and there were about 3 other black people older than me. (i’m being nice by saying 3, i remember 2 for sure because i had crushes on them lol) in this school that didn’t understand my poofy hair or that i got extra brown over the summers or that i couldn’t host the sleepover because my house didn’t have an in-ground pool, stairs, or more than one bathroom, i learned how to be quick witted and be much better than alla dem at everything! cheerleading, basketball, any sport really, math, english, any subject really, but don’t forget the jokes, i’ve always been funny & overly honest, which people think is funny. my major fault was my relationship with the teachers and other girls in my class. like i said, there were only like 10 people in each class so i was stuck with these little girls that i couldn’t stand! they were mean, bourgeois, probably definitely racist, and just annoying.

so there was an incident that made me painfully aware of my skin color. here we go.

one day in my fourth grade life, i was doing something i thought was very commendable, standing up for a frenemy because that’s what any protagonist in every movie would do. my class was headed to spanish class, yep, we had a spanish class, which i was also good at, lol. but anyways, there was this girl & guy that called themselves a couple. we’ll call them “shawty” & “doowop”, and shawty is obviously the girl. so shawty was actually half black & half white, but you couldn’t tell by looking at her and, tbh, i’m pretty positive she didn’t want to admit she was black at all. her hair was long & curly, but not really kinky curly so she was easily white passing. doowop was a country white boy with a million and one anger problems. on this particular day they were having troubles in what they called a relationship, but i’m sure someone just forgot to sharpen a pencil or something. tbh, i’m sure i’ve surpressed most of what happened around the incindent so i’ll just get to it now that your have all the background. their small relationship troubles turned into this craaaazy big argument that mrs. rodriguez definitely couldn’t handle. doowop was yelling at shawty in a scary way, the way the guy yelled at jlo in “enough.” we, all the girls, got involved and tried to help shawty by creating space between them because he was getting closer and closer to hitting her. doowop pushed each of the four girls aside to get to shawty, but i was the last one between them. when doowop got to me he knew better than to touch me, so he resorted back to yelling, but this time he resorted to racist slurs & threats. he screamed, “i’ll stab you, you niggeR!” (extra emphasis on the r & i remember him spitting a little too) that was the first time i was reminded of “my place.” i retreated. i couldn’t do anything at all, it felt. i was immobilized by it. i was weak. scared. mrs. rod was right there btw, finally calling the office. idk if shawty or the other girls came to my rescue or even if i actually cried, it’s all a blur. the next thing i remember is sitting in the office explaining the situation, but i felt more like i was being blamed for the whole thing. oh! did i mention the headmaster/principal was shawty’s grandfather?! HA! that probably had a ton to do with it. but yep, that was my intro to racism & i kept that to myself for years & hidden from parents for even longer. i don’t think i ever told my mom, tbh.

i’m not sharing this story in an effort for sympathy or anything, it’s just a part of my story. but it’ll never my entire story. i’m out here thriving & so much so that shawty messaged me on facebook to “catch up,” lol. like sisssss, we were never friends, lmao. she even sent an old photo, y’all i was weak! and still am, obviously. unfortunately, i can’t solve racism, but i surely will keep trying! you should too, because duh, it’s the right thing.

wisdom, i guess

bruh, let me tell ya’ll about this crazy ass week!

well, wait a minute, thanks to everyone that checked on me & my little wisdom teeth.you’re very appreciated!

ok so now, back to this craziness. last week was great, it felt good to write again & upload some fire flames to my portfolio (s/o to my shooters!). at work, my group pretty much got disbanded, lol. we all got split up with new assignments & new managers…then when i officially met my new manager (who seems super cool thus far) he then told me that i’m going to be switched again to a new assignment. my natural reaction was just, “lol, ok bruh.” he laughed & said he liked my attitude, which made me smile from the inside because maaaaan it’s been a battle at work for the past 8 months. so after that little meeting, everything was chill, but then the friday happened, dun dun dunnnnnnnnnn. wisdom teeth extraction day!

typically, i’m not too shook when it comes to doctors…that’s a lie, i’m just an award winning actress when it comes to certain things that i absolutely have to do. ok, so boom, i roll up to the office, check in & sit it on down. i’m regretting not getting sushi the day before & not smiling more because who knows what these crazy people could fck up. i finally get called back into the room & they’re all like “heyyyy girl!” tbh, it was weird but i was trying to be nice, lol. (you know no one was black or even colored in the office) one of the 3 comes in & starts doing my blood pressure, but that took much longer than it was supposed to because the machine kept messing up, which raised my anxiety, but whatever. the creepy old white guy came in & spoke, gave me a run down & sat with me til i was all the way asleep. he was talking about my nails & how he couldn’t use a vein in my hand, to which i responded, “yeah, they typically use my arm.” next thing i know i was waking up. it felt like i nap i wasn’t supposed to take, like i was running late for something, idk. i was rushed up & made aware that they were done & that they were gonna get my chauffeur. he met me in some dimly lit room & i’m sure they were speaking english, but it all sounded like jello dripping to the floor. we left to go get the meds, which took five-ever! i actually think we went to 5/6 different pharmacies. by this time, pain was settling IN!…as was the uncontrollable drool & some random sad emotions because my mouth had been ripped apart. for the rest of friday, i just off & on slept.

saturday though, i woke up, still numb on the right side. something is eerily wrong. coincidentally, the doc called, i let him know i still couldn’t feel my mouth. this little thing caught an attitude with me AND my at home nurse. he slipped up & said, “idk it it’ll work, you should’ve called me yesterday.” i’m like BRUH, yesterday?! when i was drugged & completely incoherent? so then i hung up & started crying uncontrollably. idk, idk. so we finally get the info we needed, we realized that we couldn’t go to the same pharmacy as yesterday because that was a hospital pharmacy…so we tried cvs & cvs said the doc needed to call them…meaning we gotta talk to the this dentist again. i’m not sure what else happened because i was pretty drugged, but i know i took my locs out & that i had to take like 6 more pills that day. & these baby pills had some side affects, honey. the biggest one? grand ol depression. i legit cried & went silent til monday. i couldn’t stop apologizing, eating & crying. the thoughts were crazy & dark, all i could do was blame myself…i felt stupid & worthless. also, i had planned to return to work on monday, btw, obviously, i’ve been on the couch all week. it was so bad ya’ll. but now i feel better, still uncomfortable & in a bit of pain, but mentally, i’m fabulous.

i appreciate the people in my life so much because they kept checking up on me…even after i turned off my phone because conversing was just too much for me to handle. i even got quite a few blessings in the dark time as well, i’m sure there’s a message in that too! but anyways, i’m ok. still recovering, but slow progress is still progress.

*smooches*

hey ya'll hey

heyyyyyy ya’ll!

i missed ya’ll fr. today i’m feeling detached & drained, but not sad so i guess that’s good. anyways, the only reason i had to take a mini break from writing is because i was just dog tired, lol. there was so much life happening that was completely out of my control like layoffs, people’s attitudes, even my position in the company i work for & their perceptions of me. it was a rough couple of weeks, but today i had a nagging feeling to write so here i am talking to ya’ll like i talk to myself. i don’t really have a goal for this one, i'‘m sure i’ll just be rambling, but i’m rolling with it!

let’s do some updates. i think my love life or whatever is going pretty well, it’s real chill like i like it. i randomly started drawing! & it came out decent! i spent more time than ever relearning my camera, *screams* “nikon gang!” i also think i have some inspiration for a special project that i’d like to have done by my birthday. i’ve done like 4 different shoots that i need to add to my portfolio. i’ve been spending more time alone, just to clear my head & make sure nadia is all good. i’ve been leaning on my parents more for this whole job stuff because ya girl is TIRED. booked a few vacations for the year, though i still dk what i’m doing for my birthday (august 25). i got back in the gym last week & cooking more, but i ordered out last night & found my new fav veggie fried rice. (my heart is singingggggg because i’m about to crush my left overs). what else….oh! i get my wisdom teeth out this friday & lowkey, i’m scared, but i know it’ll be fine lol.

tbh, i think that’s all i feel like saying. go tune into CNN, homie (michael cohen) is spilling all the tea on 45. be great, nerds.

*smooches*

up all night

ok so, i had a string of bad dreams concerning family & friends & my money...like stuck on roller coasters, crackheads attacking everyone like zombies (which if it were a movie, i'd definitely watch, tbh), i'm still not positive what dreams mean or if they mean anything at all. i know it just depends on the situation or blah, but these dreams kept getting more & more real and i was shooooook, can't lie. but then i had one dream that changed my perception of it all. my aunts (jessica & cent) came to visit me. they were GLOWING, honey. just slaying my entire being. they brought on tears from laughter because they were both silly as all hell, but they also encouraged me to not let little things affect me as much and to trust that everything will be ok...i needed that message & will likely continue to need that message because i obviously keep forgetting. 

as a virgo, youngest & eldest child, first grandchild, greatest hype woman on the planet, i thrive on creating some type of popping legacy and i also can't help trying to make everything perfect at all times...at least keep it stable, ya know? i, honestly, don't think that's too much to ask, but in this unpredictable life of ours it's not the best idea for me to latch on to everything always falling into place. especially when majority of this stuff is out of my control. (i'm a recovering control freak, He ain't through with me yet). am i putting too much pressure on myself? it's possible, but pressure makes diamonds! and something great is definitely in my future. maybe that's what's scaring me into paralysis. idk. idk. idk. this is what keeps me up at night. the. FUTURE. ive replaced the on & off with terrified & excited, but little spottie(negative self) is flicking the switch every other second. 1. career moves? i have a couple ideas, but after applying and asking for help, it doesn't seem like anything i'm doing is working out quite how i'd like. which makes me think that i probably need to stay still...or is that just what "they" want me to believe!? (trippy) 2. family. y'all know ever since i moved to detroit people in my family have been dying at alarming rates. though i know it's completely unrelated to me, it still feels as if i'd stayed home then they would've done the same. what if something happens to me and them at the same time? what if i can't afford to go home in an emergency?? (which has happened about twice) 3. relationships. platonic & lovey dovey. am i a good friend? am i killing myself trying to hold onto bad friends/people? can i trust him? can i trust her? shit, can i trust myself? when these babies supposed to pop up? i want some little ones, lol, not at this second but kinda soon. i think these are the top 3 things that keep me up every other night.

…but there’s a fourth and its about how i treat myself. not necessarily self care, but kinda. i, nadia, am a toxic positive person. i used to think it was a great thing because, ya know, positivity is good! but i’ve realized that i will ignore all the signs, warning labels and full out bad experiences in the hopes of little glimpses of good. i’ll half way accept whatever i’m going through because i know “the fix” is coming soon and when it doesn’t, i’m still hopeful. i’m learning that i have to fully accept the bad in order to really get over it…like if someone did something terrible to me, i’ll make a million excuses for them because i do believe that people are good, but when i tell my therapist or friends what happened, they’re like “WTF.” in every aspect of life i ignore bad stuff every single day and then it hits me all at night, uncontrollable spinning of scenarios that may or may not be possible, but if i had been upfront about how it made me feel in the moment then i may not have these residual effects later. i’m working on it, marigold was created out me working on this, but there’s still some work to do.

suni & marigold

alright, so typically i’m never this late, but i was basking in my own cozy laziness since i refused to leave my house and enter into this polar vortex. but enough excuses, let’s jump on in it.

i wanted to round out this month with self awareness and acceptance with one last crucially important pill to swallow. it’s so difficult because it involves breaking a cyclic habit in human nature, but it’s worth the fight. self talk. it’s vitally important to rewrite the code in our own heads. obviously, i mean negative self talk. that little irritating, but very believable voice saying you’re incapable, incompetent, and unworthy. i’m constantly hosting a debate in my head with the issue being “is nadia good enough.” most of me knows i’m the sht and i can prove it with little effort, but the rebuttal is sometimes just as fierce, especially during episodes. my word, i can get so mean to myself & i hate it, but that’s why i’m fighting it! also why i’m telling you this so hopefully you fight it too.

periods/menstrual cycles SUCK. period. point. blaaaank. but with this last cycle i had a ton more emotion than i knew what to do with. this random occurrence made my head spin out with crazy visions that are likely to never ever happen and to worry about things that are so very far out of my control. as you can imagine, my little devilish queen of negative self talk (let’s call her “spottie” because she just pops up) had a mfn field day! she was hitting me with all kinds of bs about how i’m not doing what i want with my life, i’m getting attached to people who probably don’t care about me, i’m trying things that’ll never work, my money gonna stay funny because idk how to act. there’s plenty more, but i ain’t trying to make the spins happen again. spottie was going off and i had to call in back up because my queen of positive self talk (“suni”, for obvious reasons) was slacking just a bit. with the help of some beautiful people i was able to break the wall and let some tears fall to get it all out. i know i’m not perfect, but i damn sure am not as bad as spottie was making it seem. that’s how i know i’ve progressed because past nadia would’ve been wallowing in sadness trying to figure out how to make everything instantly better when in actuality, that’s not what i want. i want to be nicer to myself on this journey of self discovery. i don’t want everything to be fixed in 5 minutes, i want to continue towards my very own definition of excellence…still working on the definition, but still.

aside from using suni to fight spottie, my therapist encouraged me to also have another voice in my head that’s similar to a big sister or a best friend because you know they won’t let anything happen to you. i’m a super protective friend/sister to everyone else, but i tend to believe the negative stuff way too quickly! it’s annoying, but i’m working on it. i need a name for this voice, i’m thinking marigold because it’s my favorite flower and it sounds strong to me, lol. i’m so thankful for my therapist suggesting this to me because it’s easier for me to refute the negative and stand firm on the positive facts. being a ride or die friend to myself empowers me. it makes me much more confident in the positive side. give it a shot. build yourself up & fight that negative voice, i know i am.